she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Randomize
