Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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