Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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