Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Randomize
