Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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