i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
last night I used snow as a chaser
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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