A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
