I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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