Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
