I would go down on you faster than GM stock
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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