Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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