11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
