Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
