Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
