So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
