just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
