i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
