My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
