He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
