Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
