I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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