he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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