I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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