"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves