Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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