from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
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