I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
