An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
