i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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