Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
