if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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