Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
