So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
