I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
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The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
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At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize