Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
