They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
