You really coming over, don't trick.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
