I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
