Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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