He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
