Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
