I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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