Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
