I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
