I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
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Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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