Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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