I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
