So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
