Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
