I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
