you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
bring money and cleavage
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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