ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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