My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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