I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
