How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
