Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
